As I was packing up my things before leaving, I came across a small notebook that I had written in 6 years ago. Too few pages were scribbled in it, but I found this:
I would have loved to be a traveler, but I realize that I'm not. I don't feel right here, I'm not at home, I miss too many things. I miss people, especially Netty, who occupies all my thoughts.
Montreal, March 2004
All in all, I have excellent memories of those 5 months in Canada; I made friends there, started going out and stopped writing.
I've been here for almost 3 weeks now, and I'm finally starting to write down a few words about the real answer to "why? It was there, I knew why, but I couldn't explain it clearly.
I always knew I wasn't the lonely type. I love evenings out with friends more than anything, I've never been able to go to the cinema on my own, I've almost always preferred to live with a flatmate, I don't really like being single... Until I realized, over time, that I couldn't really be happy when I was alone. For some people, this might seem normal, but for me it's scary.
I believe that happiness should be self-sufficient. I may not be a loner, but I refuse to let my state of well-being depend on others.
I've been preparing to leave for a while now, but it's been put off several times, and it was even more painful than expected. To free yourself from others, you have to start by cutting the ties that bind you to them. So this journey is purely and simply selfish. I'd like to be able to feel good, happy, satisfied, without owing anything to anyone, without that happiness depending on anyone else.
I've only been here a short time, but I'm already beginning to catch glimpses of small, furtive moments of solitary happiness. And as I intend - for the time being - to continue this logbook, I'll mark these little moments with the following indication: **
If the frequency of ** increases as my story progresses, that's a good sign. If I stop writing, that's a very good sign.
PS: I'm fully aware that this blog, this logbook, is still a strong link between me and them, to you, and that cutting it off would be necessary if I stick to my theory... Well, I'm thinking about it, but not just yet, I'll take my time.
EN 
FR
:)
strangely, this post warms my heart
:)
You're on the right track my friend, non-attachment (it's better than detachment) is the only way to find true happiness.
Buddhist practice leads to balance with the universe, and this can only be achieved by letting go of emotional and, above all, material ties. But being balanced doesn't necessarily mean rejecting others. It's just another kind of relationship, more harmonious and even more affective.
Sending you lots of love! <3
Angele >> Oh yes? how about that?
Emi >> Thank you, I received all your love, it was very very good. Lots and lots of kisses.
Well, I miss you! (well, that's the theme of being selfish).
Kisses from your snake, your sock bags and your Orchid, which often remind me of you ;)
ps: This trip, you know it's the one I dream of making so jte <3 even more.
**
Navie >> Yes, I know, which is why I'm carving your name with a knife into every tree in the area. And I promise I'll bring you back a Yeti hat! (thank you so much for the news about Mademoiselle and the orchid).
Gé >> =)
My trip alone to the United States showed me that I was a big girl and that I could be happy on my own, but I still felt an immense loneliness in front of certain landscapes, I missed being able to nudge someone's elbow to say "hey look", and I've never been as happy to see my mom again as I was when I came home ^^.
In fact, I didn't think I'd be able to read you until you got back. All the best, Rémi.
Cut anything you like.
I'm with you anyway.
In Into The Wild, there's this sentence, this realization on the part of someone who's cut himself off from everything: "Happiness is only worthwhile if it's shared".
I can't do it alone either.
Well, not for long anyway;
I understand.
The difficulty, the approach
I'm also happy to know that Mademoiselle is doing well :)
James >> Hey, thanks :)
Navo >> Bastard!
Marion >> Yes... I know, why don't we give it a try?
It's great that you're taking this step, and it can only help you.
When you're happy with yourself, there's nothing to stop you from being happy with others, then you'll have BOTH!!! ^^ And you'll be able to be fulfilled in any situation. I wish more people would take this step, it would surely save a lot of unhappy people.
I'm catching up a bit on your blog, I really enjoy browsing it and I send you kisses like everyone else!